how's it been?

whoo.. seeing my other previous blogs really sets in how less positive i have become... hi... its me novy... its been a while... a real while in fact.... about months now since my last post.... theres a reason for it of course... and i wanna get into that first.... its pretty simple really.... one day i was watching a linus tech tips video saying that... almost 80 percent of traffic on the internet are bots... and i think that includes this website... i bet no one are actually seeing this website and... i was just wasting my time and energy... that realization kinda stopped me from making blogs again for good... i mean... i knew i wasnt making website to get famous or having thousands of followers that see my blog but... i guess part of me do wanted it to be seen... but even thou the views went up and the fact it could just be bots.... i cant stop thinking about that... it made me felt this energy and effort i put in to my blog was all for nothing... so i stopped... also i had other things i had to focus on at that time...

so why are you here? are you comming back? i dont know... really... maybe?.... i just had this feeling wanting to speak to someone... even if it is to the empty void that is this website... ive been feeling quite lonely for these couple of weeks.... usually i had my psychologist to help me with this kind of feeling but... psychologist have been really expensive and i dont want to ask for money to go look for a new one... friends also doesnt help and... im feeling like i dont have a place to talk about how i feel... so.... thats why im here... i have stuff to talk about... so please... hear me oh dear reader...

for the last months i have been focusing on looking for a job... while looking for a job i also making small projects for my portofolio.... these kinda went on for months... i know i said that already but i kinda had to stress it... because that might be the cause for all my woes... these .... months.... i have been only focusing on getting a job and almost nothing else... well i made a controller for a while... and then thats that.... but job job job... i was focus on that.... well... i also had something else in mind... but... ill segway to that later...

well... for a while i thought this was a good thing... even my psychatrist agreed that it was a good thing... that ive been really productive.... and... yeah... maybe it was... but i think what really gets me is that..... how long i have spent looking for a job... and still not landing one... its been... 5 months... maybe effectively a lot less than that... but... since my declaration... it has been THAT long... granted these last months ive been getting screening interview... and one user interview... but sigh... i think because of that it makes it a lot more tiring...

i feel like my mental health have been getting closer to the feeling of despair.... this amount of effort... this amount of persistency.... this amount of cheap labor that i offered could not get me a single job in this god forsaken country... im... tired... god im tired.... i..... just really want to ended it all.... why does it have to be this hard.... is the system just broken?... am i just unlucky?.... am i the one whos broken?... why is it so hard to get a job that i dont even fucking like in the first place....i just wanted money... how hard is that... i bet i can do the fucking job if anyone just let me.... sigh... i dont know... im tired.... usually id start cutting and trying to choke myself... but... this medicine wouldnt let me.... i dont know... i just..... ......... i just dont know anymore....

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i took a break... well not a break really.. for this week ive taken time to.... not take my medicine... i thought as a punishment... and also... maybe it could push me further to despair... and crazyness i had back then... but haha... i couldnt lasted for two days... i started getting sick... and the feeling of lacking sleep is not a pleasant feeling....so i took my medicine again but i did stop my self from doing anything... "productive"... and just let the days go by... but it also wasnt great feeling ... not doing anything.... so... i dont know... maybe next time i should just stop my depressive medecine and only do my sleep medicene instead .... ... i .... know .... its.... my self destructive tendecies talking but.... i.... i dont know anymore..... im tired....